I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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