A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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