It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
