Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
