just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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