I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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