Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Drunk is not a location!
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