Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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