The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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