yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
