She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
