NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
