I'm lost and stupid without you.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
