You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can't turn off my feet"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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