I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
