About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
