I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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