if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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