I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
