That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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