Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
