That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Drunk is a universal language darling
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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