i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
ok first of all what the fuck
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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