Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
