I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
