oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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