life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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