Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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