I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
