she woke up with a sticky ear
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
