My underwear smells like fireworks.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
