So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
