i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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