My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
