Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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