omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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