Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
