I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
