i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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