I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
