Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
