I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
