Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
