i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
