I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
