Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
