Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
