So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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