My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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