My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
