Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
