just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
