He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
